The vampires at Sundown Spa® invite you to schedule a rejuvenating blood-letting that will leave you looking and feeling your best for any occasion. Summer means longer days and, therefore, fewer hours of darkness to get our work done.
This is Sundown Spa®’s 50th anniversary (and my 637th summer). Join us in celebrating fifty years of vampires helping humans by sucking their blood. Claim your spot now!
Sundown Spa® vampires are blood-letting experts who prioritize your safety and comfort. We follow a rigorous disinfection protocol between clients, cleansing our fangs with an ultrasonic Waterpik, before dipping them in Listerine Cool Mint concentrate. Our bite is as painless as a mosquito’s.
There are many reasons to visit Sundown Spa®, some practical, others more personal. Here’s a list of our spa packages:
Peace of Mind Package
$1,750
What to expect: After being shown to one of our posh treatment rooms, you’ll lay on a silk-shrouded table and listen to nature sounds while a vampire drains a pint of your blood.
Choose this package if: You’re nervous about proposing to your true love. You’re scheduled to give a TED Talk that will determine whether you’re fired or promoted.
How it helps: A pint less blood means you won’t experience the thrumming pulse that creates anxiety. Your mind interprets that as confidence and tranquility.
Self-Improvement Package
$2,250
What to expect: You’ll recline comfortably with your head on a lavender-scented pillow while a vampire takes 1.5 pints of blood from a wrist vein.
Choose this package if: You’re bloated and puffy, self-conscious about varicose veins, or embarrassed by oozing or spurting blood from paper cuts, or fingers sliced while chopping vegetables.
How it helps: There won’t be enough blood remaining in your peripheral circulation to suffer from any of the above conditions. An additional bonus for the ladies: you won’t menstruate the following month. Spend your money on spa nights, not tampons.
Wedding Package
$3,000
What to expect: As one vampire sucks 2.2 pints of your blood, you’ll be serenaded by our house musician, Vlad, playing the harp and singing songs of female empowerment by Beyoncé and Taylor Swift.
Choose this package if: You’re a bride-to-be.
How it helps: Your wedding dress will fit better and your pale skin will transform you into a breathtaking Victorian bride.
Increased Lifespan Package, Tier 1
$5,000
What to expect: Three pints of your iron-rich blood will be siphoned by two vampires as you lounge on a teak door, inhaling the ethereal scent of sandalwood incense.
Choose this package if: You’re setting off metal detectors at the airport or hospital.
How it helps: The more red blood cells in your body, the more iron. This puts you at risk for iron toxicity. Which is deadly.
Increased Lifespan Package, Tier 2
$11,000
What to expect: Three vampires will fuss over you, removing two pints of blood each.
Choose this package if: You want to live longer.
How it helps: The human heart has a finite number of beats it can make before giving out and killing you. If we take half your blood, your heart will only have to work half as hard. That means you’ll live twice as long. It’s simple math.
Increased Lifespan Package, Tier 3
$5M
What to expect: This is Sundown Spa®’s most exclusive service, our Platinum Rejuvenation package. After changing into a black satin bathrobe (yours to take home), you’ll be given a hot stone massage, followed by an exfoliating, pore-shrinking mud mask. When you’re completely relaxed, four vampires will drain every drop of your blood and give you a drink of theirs. By the time the cucumber slices come off, you’ll be a vampire.
Choose this package if: You want to be eternally beautiful (eternal and beautiful).
How it helps: Immortality and all the benefits that carries with it. Tom Cruise got our Platinum package so he can do his own stunts for eternity.
Stipulation: Clients are required to sign a rigorous non-compete clause stating that they will not open a spa on the Eastern seaboard.
