INT. WORKTOGETHER COWORKING SPACE – DAY
Loft with reclaimed wood tables and neon bean bag chairs. ALEC BALDWIN (tailored suit, slicked-back hair, handsome if you’re into unfettered capitalism) pushes through the glass doors. FREELANCER 1, FREELANCER 2, and FREELANCER 3 look up from their laptops.
ALEC BALDWIN: Let me have your attention for a moment. ’Cause you’re talking about what, that sale you lost?
FREELANCER 1: Actually, we’re trying to come up with 100 posts across seventeen brands over the next thirty minutes.
FREELANCER 2: And if we produce 200 TikToks, we’re eligible for a bonus drawing!
AB: A bonus, eh? I’ll give you a bonus, you fucking losers.
F2 (sotto voce): Who is this guy?
AB: Who am I? My name is Fuck You. I’ve been sent here from downtown. And you know how I got here? In a $90,000 BMW.
F2: That seems excessive, considering the parking situation.
F1: And the impact on the environment.
F2: Right? For one guy to go eight blocks? Does he not know about scooters? Just sayin’.
AB: Just saying. Well, listen to what I’m just saying, shitheads. I’m here to talk about something important. Put that kombucha down!
FREELANCER 3 (holding kombucha): Me? (Looks around the office. Lowers bottle slowly.)
AB: Kombucha is for closers.
F2: Actually, the kombucha is for everyone.
AB: You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. You call yourself a salesman, you son of a bitch?
F2. Not really. We’re Brand Visibility Specialists. Are you joining the team? We could use some Boomer help with the Facebook algo.
AB: No, I’m not joining the team. I’m here to up your productivity, you lazy shits. So, listen up. We’re adding something to this month’s sales contest. First prize is a Cadillac El Dorado. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you’re fired. Get the picture?
F1: I have a cargo e-bike.
F2: I’m vegan.
F3: Not sure we can get fired since we’re not employees? We’re, like, independent contractors?
AB: Well, whatever you’re called, you gotta step it up, fuckers. You see this watch?
F1: Is that a new kind of Apple watch?
F2: Does it have GPS?
AB: No, it’s just a watch. An expensive watch. You’re supposed to be impressed.
(Pause.)
Okay, forget the watch. You haven’t heard ABC yet!
F1: Agent Based Computing?
F2: American Board Certified?
AB: No! A, Always. B, Be. C, Closing. Always Be Closing. You wanna work here? Close! Otherwise, you’re fired.
F3: Um, yeah, so, again, I don’t think we’re even, like, hired? We’re “compensated volunteers” or something?
F2 (muttering): Volunteer is right. I haven’t made a dime.
AB: Are you blaming the leads, fuckwit?
F2: Not at all! It’s just hard to quantify influence with the metrics we use, so that makes it tough to get paid. But if we have a TikTok go viral, we get compensated for that.
AB: Ah-ha! So, you sit on your lazy asses and wait to collect your paychecks!
F1: We don’t get paychecks.
AB: Okay, commission checks.
F1: No checks.
AB: Balance transfer, direct deposit, whatever.
F1: We get gift cards.
AB: Gift cards?
F1: Good for any of the companies owned by the VC firm that finances this project. So, if I write something that gets reposted 25,000 times, I can get a $25 gift card for SmirkBox.
AB: SmirkBox?
F1: It’s a subscription service for clown supplies. I got a red nose once. And whoopee cushions.
F2: I got those, too! But aren’t whoopee cushions more of a practical joke thing? That seemed off-brand.
AB: People, can we focus? Before I move on to yelling about AIDA, I want to make sure I understand this. You kids spend all day tweeting or whatever the hell you do, but you don’t get paid?
F1: That’s right. We get exposure.
AB: No money?
F1: Not yet, no.
AB: How do you cover rent?
F2: My parents are pretty chill about it. And my dad loves SmirkBox, so it’s all good.
AB: But you can’t live on gift cards and exposure.
F2: Don’t forget the free snacks. Those kale chips and chickpea puffs make a dope dinner.
F1: I bring my dog to work and feed him vegan tofu jerky from the snack bar so I don’t have to buy dog food.
F3: Oh, that’s a great idea! My ferret would love the granola bars. Kibble is so expensive!
AB: Wait, you work full-time and can’t afford pet food? What about health insurance?
F2: The company says we’re not eligible. But we get access to a wellness app so we can stay healthy!
AB: I think that’s illegal. Have you called downtown to complain?
F1: We’re not approved for phone communication.
AB: How do you contact them?
F1: Through Slack.
AB: I’m not even going to ask what that is. So, you work all day but don’t get a paycheck, there are no benefits, and you can’t file a complaint with anyone. What kind of bullshit is that?
F2: It’s a great opportunity! Someday it might pay off. And in the meantime, I drive for Lyft, deliver for UberEats, walk for Wag, and I’m always on TaskRabbit. I’m hoping to save up enough money to buy a used car to live in.
AB: I gotta tell you, that’s fucked up. Those bastards downtown are taking advantage of you. They’re exploiting you. I’ll admit, I’m a hard-ass, but getting you to work for exposure? That’s abuse. Forget “Always Be Closing.” You need a different slogan. Always Be…Always Be….
F2: Always Be Looking for Another Job?
AB: Yes! That’s it! Now polish up those resumes, losers, and start pounding the pavement!
F1: You mean scroll though LinkedIn.
AB: Whatever, just do it! And steal every fucking bottle of kombucha on your way out!
