So many people these days are writing, but are you one of them? Have you ever wished for a Sorting Hat or Kinsey Scale designed to tell you where you land, writer-wise? Wonder no more: take this quiz to find out!

BY THE WAY, WHERE DO YOU PLACE YOURSELF ON THE KINSEY SCALE?

1. 0-2
2. 4-6
3. a perfect literary 3
4. no

ARE YOU PUBLISHED?

1. Extensively and in many translations.
2. Modestly, yes.
3. Here and there.
4. Not yet, but rejection comes with the territory, doesn’t it?
5. How do we feel about blogs?

DO YOU HAVE AN MFA?

1. Yes, of course. The degree is testament to my commitment and ability. It says: I am worthy. I have studied and toiled. I have incorporated Jeff’s feedback that “the prose needs more sinew” into my fourth revision.
2. Of course not. Like hell I’d let my tuition dollars bloat the MFA cash cow’s udder. Real writers don’t get MFAs. Real literature comes from back alley knife fights and dying of smallpox and traversing the Serengeti with only your wits and a wise goat. Life doesn’t grant degrees.
3. Unsure
4. I don’t, but only because I’m a talentless hack.
5. I do, but only because I’m an unoriginal thinker in need of institutional handholding.

DO YOU MAKE YOUR LIVING FROM WRITING?

1. Duh, otherwise I wouldn’t call myself a writer. Do you call yourself a toothbrusher even if you brush your teeth every day? You are what you’re paid, hobby-scribes and lexical layfolk. Welcome to America.
2. Yes. Well, some from fees and royalties but the bulk of my income comes from teaching wri — wait no let me finish.
3. The ratio of corporate to creative isn’t where I’d love it to be but at least I’m in my field, right?
4. I have a day job. But it’s not like I’m defined by what I spend all day doing.
5. Ew, I’m not a sellout. Honestly if you’re writing for money are you even a real writer any more?
6. The marriage of art and commerce is an uneasy one

DO YOU HAVE A LITERARY AGENT?

1. Yes.
2. No.
3. Some people are reading some things, some stuff is out there.
4. Like that means anything. I mean Homer didn’t have an agent.
5. What do you mean Homer wasn’t a writer???
6. Okay just ’cause he didn’t write things down, like that means anything.

DO YOU IDENTIFY WITH THE FOLLOWING QUOTE FROM “LETTERS TO A YOUNG POET” AS TOLD BY 1993 HIT MOVIE SISTER ACT 2: BACK IN THE HABIT: “DON’T ASK ME ABOUT BEING A WRITER. IF YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING, AND YOU CAN THINK OF NOTHING BUT WRITING, THEN YOU’RE A WRITER.”

1. Absolutely.
2. Well

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

1. Nothing but writing.
2. That seems like a really arbitrary test of if you’re a writer? Probably Rilke should’ve just given the kid some feedback?
3. Hit 1993 movie Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit.
4. Snooze button? It’s… the morning. Why don’t you ask how fast I bike when I’m swimming.

DOES ANOTHER WRITER EXIST?

1. Yes, many! How lucky we are to have a diverse, richly talented literary community.
2. And if she exists, and is a writer, can I also exist and be a writer? By the nullification property of contemporary literature, no.
3. I’m the only real writer ever born.
4. Literally everyone is a writer except me.

REAL WRITERS READ. DO YOU READ?

1. I’m doing this quiz right now but I have a bunch of novels going!!!
2. Does the Internet count as reading?
3. I read widely and only in the original language and preferably on twice-blessed papyrus scrolls.
4. Sometimes I watch TV.
5. Who is the other writer? The one you mentioned before? No, tell me.

REAL WRITERS CREATE OPPORTUNITIES AND IMPOSE SELF-DISCIPLINE.

1. That’s not a question.
2. I mean I don’t not do those things though how do you define “doing” or “things” because
3. Pass.

DO YOU WRITE EVERY DAY?

1. Naturally. That’s what separates the true artist from the scribbling chaff.
2. If I’m honest, not every day. I write a lot of days. Some days I write a great deal and some days I write a little and some days I binge-watch Buffy and masturbate and stare at walls til I forget what time zone I’m in. That’s not to say I haven’t met deadlines or finished projects —

SO NO. THE ANSWER IS NO, YOU DON’T.

1. um

MY GOD-DAUGHTER, SHE’S A WRITER. IN NEW YORK.

1. Oh, New York.
2. What kind of writing does she do?
3. That’s so wonderful! Oh that’s great. Oh, awesome.

SHE HAS A FULL-TIME JOB AT [REDACTED] AND AN AGENT. SHE WORKS SO HARD.

1. Wow, congratulations! I’d love to get in touch.
2. Good for her.
3. Oh I bet. Yeah.

SHE SAYS, “WRITING EVERY DAY. THAT’S THE KEY. YOU GOTTA WRITE EVERY DAY.”

1. That’s good advice.
2. It’s not great advice. You could be writing really shitty things every day. Like maybe step away from this weird quantitative standard and think about quality of outcome? Don’t remember the last NaNoWriMo to win a Pulitzer. I mean if I were jotting down treatises for the Aryan nationalists every day would that make me a writer, would that make me some great literary success?
3. Would it.

DID A GRAY-ROBED CLERIC GRANT YOU A GOLDEN PEN WITH YOUR NAME ENGRAVED IN CUNEIFORM IN A FOREST CLEARING AT MIDNIGHT ON THE WINTER SOLSTICE?

1. ; )
2. what
3. I’m going to start writing every day, really! Not just fan-fiction I mean truly epic shit.
4. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
5. Who is the other writer, though?

RESULTS:

IF YOU TOOK THIS QUIZ:

Of course you’re not a writer. A writer wouldn’t be taking this quiz, a writer would be out writing and earning royalties and winning prestigious awards. People know what their job is. It’s not hard. 

IF YOU DIDN’T TAKE THIS QUIZ:

You are no writer. The mark of a genuine writer, as everyone knows, is a case of severe impostor syndrome. It’s like how Harry Potter had to believe Voldemort would really kill him in order for his sacrifice to save Hogwarts. Within every real writer lurks a horcrux of self-doubt. You cannot be a writer if you believe yourself to be one. 

IF YOU WROTE THIS QUIZ:

Congratulations. You’re a writer. Go, collect your praise and riches.