I am aware of the situation at hand. Our close friend Laura has been possessed by the one and only Satan Lord of Darkness. That’s clear. Father Mulcahy has helped us lure her to this abandoned train station to perform an exorcism. I get it. But what I don’t get
is why none of you have responded to the invitation to my birthday party, “Mary’s Turning Twenty-Six Flags.”

I know we’re all busy holding Laura’s thrashing body down so we can tie her to this metal bedframe with holy ropes, but I’ve already put down a non-refundable deposit for a twelve-person party bus to drive us to Six Flags Great America and I need a headcount.

Rob, I know there’s been a lot on your plate with us keeping Laura locked in your basement, even after she ripped out your eye with a rusty corkscrew. Doesn’t all that drama with real demons make you want to ride The Demon, one of the first coasters in the world to have a double corkscrew?

Can I put you down as a maybe?

Amelia, I realize that Laura is your twin and you’ve been pretty busy trying to reclaim her soul from The Prince Of The Damned. Your nightmares have been haunted by the screams of your sister and every day you fear that you too are slowly being overcome by The Darkness. Totally get it. Doesn’t that make it even more important to savor the last moments you have control over your mouth to tell me whether or not you can make it to my birthday party?

I don’t speak Ancient Latin, so was that an “I’ll think about it?” Yes, we’ve all been busy contemplating the metaphysical implications of a real actual Satan. Does this mean there is also a God, a Heaven, a Hell? If there is a Christian God, then shouldn’t we follow his commandment to Respect Thy Friend On Her Day Of Birth With Funfetti Funnel Cake? Pretty sure that’s in the Bible. Father Mulcahy back me up here.

Oof, I did not know necks could bend that way.

I don’t mean to be “that person,” but Laura, you being possessed by the devil so close to my birthday is really selfish. It’s almost like you touched that whispering orb on purpose just to ruin my special day. All right, having your soul usurped by the voice of a thousand evils seems like punishment enough, so you’re still invited. But if you can’t tolerate a little sprinkle of holy water, I’m not sure how you’re going to handle Six Flag’s Hurricane Harbor.

Okay, that is a lot of spiders to come out of one woman’s vagina.

Father Mulcahy, I see that you’re using every ounce of your holy power to expel Satan from our good friend Laura. And I know we’ve only known each other since we burst into your rectory at two a.m. begging for sanctuary as Laura backward-crab-chased us down the street. Expelling Satan himself from the Earthly realm seems like David vs. Goliath, and what better way to celebrate your efforts than on the 180-foot drop of the roller coaster, Goliath. You’re celibate, so you’ve got to be itching for any chance to get some wind up your cassock.

Is that shriek as Laura pierces your flesh with her teeth a yes?

All right, if no one else wants to come then I guess I have to ask. Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, I know Christ can’t, but maybe I can compel you to come to “Mary’s Turning Twenty-Six Flags” birthday bash? You’re super busy sowing seeds of hate into the hearts of humanity and making my good friend Laura vomit a black goo that forces everyone who touches it to witness their own death. I see that. And I don’t know what immortal beings of pure hate and shadow do for fun, but I’m pretty sure everyone enjoys a good log flume.

Oh my God, it’s over. Laura, is that you?

Wow, Satan gave up his vessel on Earth just to avoid celebrating my birthday? That’s rude even for the manifestation of pure hate.

Whatever, I told the party bus to come pick us up at this abandoned train station and we are not stopping until you all sing me happy birthday while the old Six Flags guy does his funny dance.