Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship, but erratic or unusual behavior can sometimes make us question the people we care about most. If you’re starting to suspect that your boyfriend is hiding big crab claw hands from you, don’t wait until it’s too late—take our quiz to see if your suspicions hold water.
1. You wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of your boyfriend muttering to himself. What is he saying?
A. “My hands…my monstrous hands…”
B. “Oh no. I’ll have to sew these sheets back together.”
C. “Hello honey! I love you!”
2. How does your boyfriend eat his meals?
A. By slamming the two halves of his hands together like a guillotine to slice his food into bite-sized chunks
B. By smashing the full weight of his hands down upon the plate in order to pulverize his food into an edible paste
C. With a knife and fork
3. How many times have you had to bandage your fingers after holding hands with your boyfriend?
A. Each time
B. Several times
C. Very few times
4. What does your boyfriend say when he sees a crab scuttling across the beach?
A. “Look! We have the same exact hands.”
B. “Be free, brother. We shall reunite in heaven.”
C. “Hey, a tiny lobster!”
5. When your boyfriend shows you pictures of his extended family, what do you see?
A. Crabs and humans
B. Scorpions and humans
C. Just humans
6. When you tell your boyfriend that you love him, how does he respond?
A. “How can you love a man like me? I am nature’s greatest mistake.”
B. “For now, perhaps. But there are secrets about me—and more specifically, my ghoulish hands—that you would not dare to imagine…”
C. “I love you too, sweetie!
7. What was your boyfriend’s AIM username in middle school?
C. None of the above
8. How would your boyfriend react if you offered to buy him a pair of mittens?
A. Burst into tears
B. Fly into an insane rage
C. Politely decline the offer while thanking you for thinking of his needs
9. When you want to wrap gifts but can’t find the scissors, does your boyfriend:
A. offer to use his hands instead?
B. start sweating and shaking profusely, as though suppressing an insatiable urge?
C. help you search the kitchen drawers?
10. What does your boyfriend do for a living?
A: Twine snipper, hedge trimmer, or large dog groomer
B: Castanets players, fabric slicer, or hair stylist
C. Anything else
11. What is your boyfriend’s astrological sign?
C. Not Cancer
If you selected 9 or more Cs:
Congratulations! Your boyfriend probably doesn’t have big crab claw hands. Whew—what a relief! Now all you have to worry about is emotional affairs and secret families.
If you selected between 6 and 8 Cs:
Keep your wits about you, because there is a decent chance your boyfriend has big crab claws. Take some pictures when he’s asleep and bring them to a doctor for a second opinion.
If you selected fewer than 6 Cs:
Uh oh! Your boyfriend definitely has big crab claw hands. You should confront him about his secret in a public place with abundant access to rubber bands.