Press Conference on Christopher Street (2034)

We are humbled—honored—to be your queer and trans candidates for Congress. Please scan the QR code for our platform. You’ll see that we intend to double down on the Green New Deal, decarbonizing the economy with dignified union labor. We support disarmament, reparations, and an expansion of Native sovereignty. But that’s enough from us, we are here today to take your questions. You can count on our total transparency.

—Well, we wanted to run as a slate to elevate the values and policies we share. Plus it’s more fun this way, “If I can’t dance…” and all that. Let’s just say we hope the group chat never gets subpoenaed.

—No, we did not start calling ourselves the qtpies, that was cooked up on the people’s internet. But we love it! Check back online soon for merch. Speaking of, those of you in our new FEMMES 4 FREE SHIT tanks look fabulous.

—Great question. We know that since our campaigns launched, rumors have been flying, pictures and videos have been leaked. We want to be clear: most of it is entirely true. As queer and trans candidates for office, we claim our bodies, our relationships, and our right to sex.

—Yes, that does include the HIV cure/vax bacchanals of 2027. One of us met his partner there, actually.

—That’s not quite right. Their polycule is a V, and she’s the hinge. Um, who has a question about our plan to nationalize private colleges?

—That new biometric software makes anonymity hard these days, huh? It’s true: the man behind @Alt-Whitman is indeed the candidate for Minnesota’s fourth. Whitman himself reminds us, “All this fear of indecency, all this noise about purity and sex and the social order…is nasty—too nasty to make any compromise with.” Subscribe to his OnlyFans for full access.

—First off, the mayor uses they/them pronouns. But that’s right, they did compile a zine in their twenties about fully automated luxury gay space communism.

—Oh come on, that 2014 position paper was not homophobic! If you read it, you’ll clearly see that marriage was the problem, not just gay marriage.

—No, no, what she’d graffitied was “t4t sex is revolutionary praxis.” The charges were dropped.

—You sound piqued. Listen. Your hairdresser, your flight attendant, your bookish and accomplished guncle—you respect him, right? He has also been peed on!

—Jesus, no, why would that be our campaign slogan? “We inhale and we swallow” was a vicious right-wing smear . . . that we will also be turning into merch. Please, someone ask about campaign finance reform.

—Sorry to interrupt, but we don’t have time to review the new hanky code today. Look. We know who we are may hurt us with some voters, but we are not ashamed. In fact, we are ready to announce a new social media account: bread+cake2. We do welcome your NSFW solicitations, we just need to stay organized.

Thank you. That’s all that time we have for questions. Good news, though: tonight at 9, we are hosting what we hope will be the first of many drag fundraisers right here. Karla Marx and Lavatory Menace promise to dazzle, so we invite all our supporters who came out today to join us—especially that blonde bear in the shorteralls.

DNA Communiqué

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The Broken Nose

A week later, when I opened the freezer compartment of my fridge, I found that note, written in red lipstick.