Dear Paula,

Thank you for joining It’s All Relative, one of the largest databases of human DNA ever created. Like you, millions of people want to know what region of the world they should claim as their own. Irish peasant? Mongolian herder? You, too, can find out!

But more than where you originated, It’s All Relative specializes in research to advance mankind and better understand how the most basic building blocks of life make us who we are. So get ready to be a part of an important study. You could help cure cancer! Some of the research questions may confuse you, but trust us. Clearly you do, you just handed over the secret code to your being and paid us to take it.

Now, if you happened to have committed a horrific crime, we apologize in advance if we end up having to turn you in to the authorities. We try to protect your privacy, but there are exceptions. In fact, a number of exceptions that were covered in the Terms of Use, which we know you did not read.

Get ready to go on a journey with us!

Sincerely,

The Welcome Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Congratulations! 11 people who share DNA with you have joined It’s All Relative over the past 31 days. Please login to the website to see 6 of your new relatives!

To see all 11 new relatives, you will need to pay an additional $29.99. It will be worth it. Can you put a price on 5 more 4^th cousins?

Sincerely,

The Sales Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Because you are a key contributor to It’s All Relative and our research mission, you will occasionally be asked to answer a question like this one.

• What was the gestational age of your first child at birth?
  • Extreme Preterm. Moderate Preterm. Full Term. Late Full Term.

We assure you these questions are for research purposes only. However, we cannot confirm nor deny that part of our research mission includes preparedness plans for restarting the human race.

Sincerely,
The Preparedness Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Your genetic makeup reveals that you are more likely than average to have a bunion.

Sincerely,
The Bunion Team

 

 

Dear Paula

Three people who share DNA with you have joined It’s All Relative over the past 31 days. Please login to the website to see your new relatives!

We would like to prepare you for the possibility that one may be a half-uncle you never knew you had. It’s All Relative is committed to helping you know your personal story in a whole new way. We just can’t say what that new way will be. And in this case, it looks like your grandfather was a real bastard. If it makes you feel any better, almost everyone of European decent is related to Charlemagne and although he is heralded with starting the Holy Roman Empire, he ravaged all the surrounding lands killing thousands of people. Take aways: People are complex. We are all related to jerks.*

Sincerely,

The Sales Team

*To find out if your family is more dysfunctional than you thought, you will need to pay an additional $15.99.

 

 

Dear Paula,

Tell us about your family history:

• Was anyone in your family a lifeguard?
  • Yes. No. Maybe so.
    • If the answer is yes, please explain _____________________.

 Sincerely,

The History of Dominant Cultures Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Tell us about your family history:

• Was your grandfather a real bastard?
  • Yes. No. Everyone has issues. He ruined lives.

 Sincerely,

The Exploratory Ways to Sell Personal Data Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Thank you for clicking the link at the bottom of the email that says “unsubscribe.” It helps us know where you are emotionally. I’m afraid at this time we cannot unsubscribe you from these emails. Please see Terms of Use. However, if it gives you hope, the future is still unknown. Maybe someday.

Sincerely,

The Sales Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Exciting news. 100% of your relatives have British & Irish ancestry. That means that they are 89% more likely to have worked as a lifeguard. We’re not going to get into why that is, because it mainly has to do with the history of resort life and basic white privilege stuff. We understand that for the even slightly self-aware white person, this may cause feelings of uneasiness and guilt. However, we know for a fact that your own father was a lifeguard, so you have to admit that our algorisms are pretty good.

Sincerely,
The It Was a Different Time Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Your genetic makeup reveals that you are more likely than average to dream about jellyfish.

Sincerely,

The Dream Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

• Which do you prefer? Bluebirds or Robins?
• How often do you eat more cheese than you know you should?
• Do you have a tendency to hoard socks?

Sincerely,

The Preparedness Team

 

 

Dear Paula,

Thank you for reaching out again and trying to unsubscribe from these emails. We know that sometimes using It’s All Relative can bring up a wide array of feelings. But, and I hate that you are making me say this again, we cannot unsubscribe you. It’s just not part of our research mission.

As a gesture of goodwill, at this time, we would like to share with you some of our most significant research findings to date. From all the data you have provided, as well as from the unbelievable amount of information we have been given by others, here is the primary conclusion we have drawn:

You are one little, tiny spec among billions of people on earth and trillions of people throughout history. You hardly matter at all.

Sincerely,

The Bunion Team