Other Times Marco Rubio Declared Victory in a Speech for Something He Didn’t Win

3rd Place, Potato-Sack Race, Kindergarten

“Ms. Munning said it couldn’t happen. The first-graders said there was no way. We’ve been preparing for weeks outside in the sunny field beside the playground, and every week, almost everyone said we were doomed to fail, they said we were doomed to fall, they said we stood no chance. Everyone but you. And here we are! We are here, standing, me and Tommy, across the finish line at the end of the classroom next to the trash can and Francis The Pet Gerbil. Getting here was no easy task. This was hard work, and we would not have been so dedicated, so capable, were it not for you and your support. Because of you, fellow kindergartners, we will continue to fight, and we will continue to race.”

Did Not Place, Science Fair, 3rd Grade

“Take a look at these plants. Look at these little broccoli stalks grown with two kinds of water — tap water and retention-pond water. No one thought they would grow. My parents, they said, ‘Marco, these plants won’t grow. These plants won’t grow, and you can’t make a project out of them.’ But they were wrong! The little plants grew! And I collected the data, and I charted it (with the help of my mother), and I organized it on the standard tri-fold poster board (with the help of my father), and I presented it to the judges, and they were amazed. They were amazed because the plants grew. It takes unwavering faith to succeed in this world. I thank you for yours in me. Because of your faith in me, I had faith in the broccoli, and God listened, and God made the plants grow. And now we move onward, with Marcomentum and sunshine at our backs.”

N/A, First Communion Ceremony, 11 Years Old

“Thank you, Father. And thank you, real Father. Dad. And thanks to the most real Father, the man upstairs. Ladies and gentlemen, what this First Communion represents is a proclamation. It represents an order from the Most High. And I’m listening. Oh, I’m listening. I’ve been listening my entire life. Everything I have ever fought for — whether it was a later bedtime, or pizza instead of green beans, or additional TV privileges — sees its justification in this moment. These are American ideals. God is on my side. He is on the side of American ideals. God held out His hand and placed that perfect wafer on my tongue, and that perfect grape juice in my hand, and He said, ‘Marco, it’s time.’ Yes, yes it is. May the Lord continue to champion the light over the dark, and may He offer wine next time instead of juice.”

N/A, University of Miami School of Law Graduation Ceremony, 1996

“Now that I’ve shaken the Provost’s hand, I want to pause here on this stage — just a second, Dean Johnson, just a sec — to thank you. I want to thank all of you out there in that audience waiting to walk across this stage, and all of you watching from home, or from wherever you are. I want to thank you for your unwavering support of my studies. Here’s the thing: there are not enough respecters of the law in this country! There are not enough lovers of the law. There are not enough dedicated individuals dedicated to defending the law and all that is good about the law, and America. Dean Johnson would agree, wouldn’t you, Dean? Yes, yes, he would. Now you, America, have one more respecter, lover, and defender of the law. Today’s unbelievable outcome makes one thing clear: America is ready for new defense! The Marcomentum is real, proving that America is ready for the resurgence of what made Ronald Reagan’s America the greatest country that this world has ever seen in its entire existence: lawyers like me who want to be politicians.”

2nd Place, Competition for His Children’s Affections, Ongoing

“You kids can’t possibly understand what this moment means to me. I’ve never fought so hard for so long, and for so much. Wow. Let’s take a moment and reflect on what has been accomplished here, against all political and personal odds. Why, just last week, you guys stormed out and left me playing Mario Kart by myself. And the week before that? Well, you know what happened then: you said you’d rather run away than be around me. You guys had packed backpacks and everything! It was really kind of cute, until you said you were taking your mother with you. And let’s dispel once and for all with this fiction that your mother doesn’t know what she’s doing. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and she has the support of the neighborhood pundits, the dog walkers, the PTA members. I know what they say behind my back. I know they didn’t believe in my message. And now, today? Today I’m getting high fives and hugs. I must have done something right recently. This is almost as good as running for President.”


The Donyld

“Donyld Donyld, burning bright, / In the mindless TV light; / What fanatic neocon,”