Meeting Minutes of the Log Cabin Republicans

Each last Wednesday of the month, the Board of the Local Log Cabin Republicans absconds to Rehoboth Beach for discussion of gay Republican matters. Here are their minutes from 30 September 2015:

1. Welcome & Agenda Review

  • The Chair called the meeting to order at 1:05pm ET.
  • The Secretary noted that the diminishment of white privilege is causing him undue stress and his manicure technician Sun agrees it’s the reason his cuticles aren’t firm.

2. Transgenderism Subcommittee Report

  • Reported findings that “LGBTQIA,” with too many extra letters, is slowing down our equality.
  • As a point of information Willam should be allowed on RuPaul’s All Stars Drag Race 2 and not that hot mess Alaska Thunderfuck.
  • The Treasurer posited, “Solidarity? Isn’t that the name of my housekeeper’s niece?”

3. Discussion of Marriage Equality

  • The President commended the Pope for placing hands on the less fortunate, like Kim Davis.
  • The Secretary worries a wave of vanity adoptions are next, “ruining brunch forever with a roomful of screaming gaybies.”
  • The Vice President noted he’d pray for this beach because of marriage equality’s deluge of Eastern European boytoys. He then put forth the following motion:

“Next month we relocate away from this St. Petersburg with palm trees.”

  • Tyrell seconded the motion, noting: “You’re either an American, our cabana boy, or on a bus back to Mexico!”

The motion carried with two “Yaaaas”s and one “Woo Hoo Gurl.”
4. CPAC Meeting Review

  • The President provided his review of his trip to the Conservative Political Action Congress (CPAC).
  • The hors d’oeuvres were divine.
  • The President reported feeling a surge of conservative camaraderie.
  • Newt Gingrich then reminded him of his lack of invitation due to “a certain lightness in the loafers.”

5. Military Matters

  • The committee laments the allowing of gays in the military as it was our best escape if there was a draft, besides bothering Dad to make a phone call.
  • The committee wishes to note that it wholeheartedly supports lesbians in the military.
  • The Secretary then compared the Navy’s Evening Dress blues with the Marines’; which made his hips “wide as Barney Frank’s.”

6. On the Matter of Black People Complaining

  • Tyrell expressed grievances regarding a lack of sensitivity to #blacklivesmatter and the lack of chocolate croissants at the August meeting. Discussion ensued. The Treasurer set forth the following motion:

“Let it be resolved that the chocolate croissants are not friendly for those with a snowy complexion and there’s no reason to make anyone feel all weird and racist about it.”

The motion carried unanimously via roll call.
7. Adjournment

The Chair entertained a motion to adjourn at 3:43 p.m. ET to allow time to meet his wife for pilates. The meeting adjourned with no objections.

Teresa Enters

“...into the dark café enters TERESA”