For some reason, it’s cute to say you’re “six-and-a-half,” but not “thirty-two and five-twelfths.”
How old are people born on leap years, really? This is a question you might have, and you’re not alone in wondering. The answer is: nobody knows!
Birthdays are about more than cake, parties, and attention. They are also about gift cards.
Some birthdays come with special privileges. When you’re 18, you can vote. When you’re 21, you can buy a drink. When you’re 32 and five-twelfths, you can receive intrusive questions about your uterus.
If you forget someone’s birthday, they should give you grace. You’re only human, and they shouldn’t take it personally. If someone forgets your birthday, it’s a clear indication that they are mad at you.
When someone says it’s their birthday month, it means they were born over a period of four weeks.
Some say, “calories don’t count on your birthday.” This is false. Calories don’t know how to count.
This fact is quite shocking: Birthday cake is just regular cake! Maybe there’s some icing saying, “HAPPY B-DAY [NAME]”, but the baking ingredients? The same as regular cake! Fair warning: when you share this stunning revelation, people might look at you like your face is a 1,000-piece puzzle they’re trying to solve. It’s proof that this fact is blowing their minds.
Have you heard of those wealthy men who want to live forever? Someone should tell them birthday cake is just regular cake, available any day of the year! No more need for endless birthdays! Problem solved.
Having the same birthday as a famous person doesn’t mean you get to be friends with them, even if you offer to plan the whole joint birthday party.
If you ask a small child to guess how old you are, prepare for them to surmise anywhere from 2 to 200. Thank them, nod solemnly, and say, “I appreciate your time in developing this hypothesis.”
As it turns out, Ulta doesn’t consider, “A child said I look 200 years old” as a valid reason for returning a retinol cream.
Invitations should state whether goody bags will be provided before asking you to RSVP. That’s just good goody bag etiquette. Goody bags should include soda-flavored lip gloss, gummy bears, and a notarized certificate that says, “Congratulations, party guest! You fulfilled your social obligations for the month.”
Some cakes are decorated with a photo of the birthday person on the frosting. This is the only socially acceptable form of cannibalism. At the next birthday party you attend, try munching on a sugary pixelated elbow. Delectable.
Some people claim they are “turning 21” in perpetuity. This phenomenon spurred a popular clothing franchise called Forever 21. Now that those stores are shuttered, there’s room in the market for a new venture, Forever 32 and Five-Twelfths.
If someone invites you to a birthday party for their dog, you are not required to purchase a gift. However, you shouldn’t show up empty-handed for a grander occasion, like a dog wedding or bark-mitzvah.
Surprise parties are jarring, dreadful events built on deceit and lies, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want one.
If a bunch of people jump out of the darkness and holler “happy birthday” at you, do not show fear by screaming, fainting, or mumbling, “I feel fear.” That’s what they want you to do.
A birthday suit is probably some sort of custom-made tuxedo covered in streamers, party hats, and confetti. Seems weird, but that’s fashion for you.
If you remember someone’s birthday without a reminder from social media, you should win some sort of prize, honestly. A goody bag would be good, ideally filled with gift cards to Forever 32 and Five-Twelfths.
