I don’t know what I did wrong but I think that my Icelandic milk-thieving monster might be malfunctioning. The instructions in the archaic Icelandic witchcraft manual explicitly stated to let it suckle on my thigh after conjuring it, but now I can’t get it detached. It just keeps on suckling and suckling and suckling and it won’t stop.

The thigh suckling stage was supposed to be short. This tilberi—as it’s called—was supposed to get its strength from my adductor muscle juices and then be on its merry way to the nearest cow in order to assault its udder with its mandibles and thereby slurp-steal some fresh milk for my morning coffee. But now the damn thing just won’t let go!

It basically looks like a cancerous, woolly snake and it is now several feet long because it grows as it suckles. The situation is getting worse and I can’t put any pants on now either since this thing is hanging onto my inner thigh for dear life. It’s my very own anti-trouser snake. Get it? Right…yeah…

And, you know, I realize people told me not to do this. They said, ”Conjuring a tilberi is not a good idea,” and ”What is wrong with you?” and ”If you really need milk so badly, then why can’t you just go to the store and buy some like a normal person?” Well, it was really cold out and I didn’t want to leave home. Plus, I’d had a few beers, so this option really made a lot of sense at the time.

I even followed the old sorcery instructions super closely:

1) Acquire a rib bone.

Check—I had a partial rack of leftover ribs in the fridge so this one was easy. Although, the instructions might have meant a human rib bone. I’m not sure, they weren’t very clear. Could be the wrong species and/or presence of barbecue sauce that caused things to go awry.

2) Steal some wool.

Check– my wife hasn’t worn her snowflake sweater in years and still hasn’t noticed that it’s missing from the drawer. Or at least I don’t think she has. We don’t really talk to each other all that much.

3) Twirl the wool around the rib bone and then hold the thing between my breasts while spitting wine on it.

I think this might be where I screwed up because maybe my male pecs don’t count as breasts? I don’t know, but I still carried the thing around my side of the house and kept it pressed up against my sternum the whole time, so it’s like, what gives, you know? Spitting the wine on it was super easy, although I accidentally spilled some beer on it, too.

Anyway, the wine and beer brought the tilberi to life and the next step was to let it build some strength via the present thigh suckling stage. At this point it was supposed to let go of my thigh andfinally go steal the milk for my coffee! But now I’m having to drink it black and it’s just not the same.

So, does anyone have any ideas as to what I should do? I mean, should I just try ripping it off of my leg? I know that tickling it doesn’t work. That only makes it suckle my thigh harder.


I know this has perhaps all been a little bit off-topic being as we’re all still looking at Tessa’s powerpoint presentation and everything. Nice job with that too, by the way. I really liked those sparkle effects that went along with the slide about the internal review methodology.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got unless any of you have any suggestions that might help me out with my situation over here. Still no? Well, then let me just say I thought this was a solid zoom meeting everyone. I really think that we covered a lot of important ground today and I look forward to talking to you all again next week.

The Viewers

You drink for something to do with your hands, and your mouth.