We are pleased to welcome you to the Celebrity Pathos, the number one cruise liner for recently deceased queer television characters! Prepare to be dazzled by the seas’ best in community, inclusivity, and fun! Like millions of dead gays before you, we feel confident you’ll enjoy your time aboard ship, and yes, we mean that in both the literal and the fanfiction sense.
OUR GUESTS
Our cruises boast the afterlife’s most diverse passengers, welcoming queer characters from all walks of life! From beloved daytime soap regulars who came out just before their actor’s contract expired to trans POC who had to be written off so that a white guy could sing a song without being overshadowed — there is a community here waiting for you!
The first few days aboard the Pathos are disorienting for many of our travelers, as they’re often token gay characters meeting other queer people for the first time. For those arriving alone, we offer a room share program, where we will assign you a roommate, so you know at least one other homosexual.
Note: Please do not refer to your roommate as your ‘gay sidekick.’ This is a sensitive subject for many on board. Treat others with respect.
ABOUT THE PATHOS
Our deluxe cruise liner is equipped with state-of-the-art amenities including two gyms, a volleyball court, five swimming pools, two event halls, an underground nightclub, and a secret bathhouse. Our plush living quarters are divided into neighborhoods, as follows:
Neighborhood 1: The Closet
Have you never spoken about your sexuality publicly, and yet your coworker makes your heart race every time her capable hands run across the console of some kind of military-industrial-complex hover thingy? This is the place for you! This floor contains simulations of 3 common workplaces of closeted characters (Government Agency, Doctor’s Office, Magical Society) where you can spend as much time as you need until you’re ready to move on to greener pastures. Additionally, 40% of this neighborhood is storage space so there are plenty of spots to chastely make out.
Neighborhood 2: Angst Central
This beautiful Victorian mansion and/or boarding school (we haven’t figured it out entirely) is designed to keep you safe from your biggest enemy: yourself! This is a WIFI-free, bullying-free zone where counselors will talk you out of doing conversion therapy on yourself (again) and into a new life of self-acceptance. Convenient window alcoves for brooding are reinforced by a big net to prevent residents from flinging themselves overboard. This isn’t the Titanic, sweetie.
Neighborhood 3: Villain Veranda
Get over here you slinky, limp-wristed sociopaths! This neighborhood is for characters who were the antagonist of their show before being killed by a series regular they may or may not have been in love with (no judgement). Please enjoy the scheming room, gallery of niche cultural artifacts to obsess over, and the robust staff of young people who are specially trained to simulate the appearance of being easily psychologically manipulated.
Neighborhood 4: Italy
This neighborhood is Italy. Whether you’re a white Italian twink or a white twink who isn’t Italian but IS studying abroad: Buongiorno ragazzi!
DINING
There is no food on board because you’re dead, however, there is a Starbucks because being gay is corporate now.
ENTERTAINMENT
Parties
We are known for our legendary parties, including our popular Living Dead costume party, in which guests dress up as the straight character who originally had their death in the books but not the TV series for contractual reasons, and the popular 80s Party, in which you can finally enjoy the styles and music of a big-city nightclub without someone dropping a line of foreshadowing dialogue and then ~suspiciously fainting~. Our indoor and outdoor event spaces are large enough to accommodate all who wish to attend, because we learned pretty early on that guests are going to keep arriving no matter how many think pieces are published on Vulture.
Live Shows
We are offering the afterlife’s best in live entertainment, with multiple shows every night! Book your tickets early: just like your writers after three rounds of network feedback, these shows sell out!
Studio A will feature a series of trained acrobats recreating iconic moments from queer television history, miming throwing themselves in the path of a bullet, throwing themselves in the path of a train, and throwing themselves in the path of a bullet train.
Studio B will feature the Artsy Characters doing some 10-hour performance-art piece they never had a chance to stage properly while they were alive. We’re happy that they’re experiencing catharsis, although we don’t really understand it or want to sit through it.
Studio C will be running full-length performances of the musical Cats, which is ultimately about death and rebirth.
Séances
Need to tell your lover not to vengefully take over the world in your name? We’ve coordinated a series of spiritual healing events that will allow you to make contact with the other side. These events are in high demand but for those who land on the waiting list, never fear: we’re pretty sure your partner is on the way by the end of Season 4.
Space Deck
From black holes to sexy alien sex sexy-time, there’s nothing gayer than outer space! Our ship’s most unique attraction, the Space Deck, features a one-of-a-kind climbing wall that will simulate a high-stakes starship repair operation, ending with an untimely death as you are sucked into a vacuum — of fun! — and exit into one of our five resplendent temperature-controlled pools. We recommend anyone with intergalactic-travel-related traumas to consult an on-board therapist before enjoying the Space Deck.
Secret Bathhouse
If you think we’re going to put information about the Secret Bathhouse on the world wide web and risk losing our charter, think again. Just know it’s amazing and you deserve this.
BOOK YOUR TRIP NOW
These amenities are just the beginning. Select from our range of destination trips to make port at locales strange and unknown, including That One Planet with The Water and the island of Lesbos. As long as queer characters are tragically dying on television, we will be here to welcome them with open arms and a fresh piña colada. Join us for the trip of a lifetime — or at least, until you’re reincarnated as a robot for the series finale!
