“I can’t believe he’s gone. Who am I gonna dump all my internalized homophobia on now?”
These were the words uttered by Masc Tops everywhere, who were shocked by the sudden passing of Daniel’s Attraction to Cis Men™ late Monday evening. Some Masc Tops, upon hearing the news, took to social media to question the validity of Daniel’s Attraction to Cis Men™’s passing: “Who would wanna stop getting banged by dudes?” some asked, while others suggested the possibility of foul play. However, it has since been confirmed that Daniel’s Attraction to Cis Men™ passed from natural causes, as his last words were apparently, “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”
Though lasting only 23 years, Daniel’s Attraction to Cis Men™ lived an exciting and fulfilling life when he wasn’t being treated as an outlet for men and their bad behavior. He enjoyed having his sexual and emotional boundaries honored, wearing floral sweaters, as well as rim jobs and Jenga. Daniel’s Attraction to Cis Men™ was preceded in death by his Willingness to Put Up with Cis Men’s Sweaty Testicles and Weird Penchant for Sending Unsolicited Dick Pics™. He is survived by his family, a clusterfuck of memes on cis male fragility and his two dogs, Sparky and Rex.
Come celebrate Daniel’s Attraction to Cis Men™ and his once constant providing of emotional labor to endless man-children by donating to his Venmo, CashApp, or PayPal. Services will take place next Wednesday from 12:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. at 363 Menertrasch Lane, south of the highway.
In lieu of flowers, please send butt plugs and lubricant.