Infomercial: Wow, I’m So Much Less of a Douchebag Now That I’ve Stopped Supporting Sexual Predators!

Also written by Franky D. Gonzalez

TITLE: Wow, I’m So Much Less of a Douchebag Now That I’ve Stopped Supporting Sexual Predators!

VIDEO: Footage of a music video featuring a celebrity predator.

Are you someone who’s tired of being an asshole? Do you frequently get dragged on social media for holding teenage girls to higher standards than grown men? Have you experienced a recurring and uncontrollable urge to call women “fast” and “opportunistic” whenever they share their experiences with sexual trauma? Did you look the other way when your best friend from college dated a minor seven years ago? If so, you might be at risk of developing a disorder known as Rape Apologist Syndrome.

The video freezes on the celebrity predator making the kind of embarrassing face you find when you freeze frame a video. C-LIST CELEBRITY enters.

Hi, I’m [insert vaguely familiar celebrity who hasn’t been relevant in a decade], and I, too, used to struggle with making excuses for sexual predators. When I found out I had RAS, I didn’t know what to do. After all, it wasn’t my fault the beats were so catchy, or that the jokes were so funny. Fortunately, my doctor told me about a new product called Stop Supporting Sexual Predators.

VIDEO: SSSP being handled by a very professional looking doctor making the celebrity predator vanish in a puff of smoke.

Now FDA approved, Stop Supporting Sexual Predators is proven to help manage symptoms of RAS. All it takes is a few major news stories, a massive year-long outpouring of women sharing their pain, and a whole three-day documentary for you to see what a raging fuckhead you are!

Today, through this special TV offer, you can get your first order of Stop Supporting Sexual Predators delivered straight to your door for only $19.95! Just call the number on the screen or visit us on the web. That’s right: it’s that simple. Satisfaction guaranteed.

EFFECT AND SFX: Of a giant check mark and bell sound with the low-low price displayed.

But wait—there’s more! Call in the next five minutes and we’ll throw in an extra Stop Supporting Sexual Predators absolutely free! Just pay shipping and handling.

VIDEO: A family spending time together in the park. This has nothing to do with the product. Look! A puppy!

There’s life after Rape Apologist Syndrome. By taking Stop Supporting Sexual Predators, I was able to take my life back and realize that I, too, was a victim. You can do the same. Call now!
Note—side effects may include but are not limited to the following: believing women, a noticeable decline in online trolling-behavior and use of streaming services to support sexual predators, swollen ankles and bloating. Consult your doctor if you are still making excuses for rapists after taking Stop Supporting Sexual Predators, as you may be showing signs of a more serious condition. Must be fifteen years or older to call. Unfollow and Block eyedrops now included!