- Just invented grilled cheese with pickles. It’s mine. No one else has ever done this.
- Please don’t make me say gyro out loud.
- I prefer beef ramen over chicken, which is why I’m unlovable.
- Bout that time of day where I play is this heartburn or a heart attack?
- For breakfast, I have a sensible nothing. For lunch, more sensible nothing. And for dinner, I gorge until I’m almost dead.
On Media & Technology
- Hmm, what Netflix movies shall I watch the first 7 minutes of and then abandon tonight?
- At dinner, people were sharing good news & my contribution was “Intervention comes back tomorrow night.”
- I’ll Shazaam a song coming from someone else’s car, I don’t give a shit.
- Sext: Come over. Bought a Soda Stream.
- “Do you want to go to a sculpture garden?” is the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.
- I’ve been pronouncing Chloe Sevigny wrong for 16 years.
- Why is Alex from Target happening (don’t answer me I don’t fucking care fuck off)
- Been trying to coax the drawstring out of PJ pants for 20 minutes & screaming the entire time.
- Fell in love with a dress because it has pockets.
- My clothes are just really expensive napkins.
On Professional Life
- Is it ho or hoe? Updating my resume.
- A vine star is at Paris fashion week and I can’t find a job.
- My E! True Hollywood Story would just be me trying to open a soy sauce packet.
- Yoga was amazing tonight because I curled up on my mat and took a nap.
- Oh, you have dental insurance, you fucking show off?
- Probably wouldn’t even use the gym if I were in prison.
On Mental Health
- Need a life coach, but only to gently coax me out of the shower during winter months.
- A fun thing I’ve started worrying about is that my therapist doesn’t like me.
- When someone calls me ma’am I cry in my car.
- Are you sad, or are you scream-singing-Voices-Carry-when-it-comes-on-while-driving sad?
- You know when you can’t find your car in a parking lot? That’s how I feel all of the time.
- Instead of unpacking, light your suitcase on fire and start over as someone else.