The New & Selected Tweets of Eighties Man


  1. It feels so good to unbutton my pleated khakis and make love.
  2. Just received a pretty upsetting fax. Let’s order Chinese.
  3. Now where did I put that god damn Sharper Image catalogue?
  4. Nothing like opening a fresh batch of athletic socks.
  5. Ah, New Yorker cartoons. The only thing that can compare to Doonesbury.
  6. Stocks are up.
  7. Thin layer of dust on my NordicTrack.
  8. Christ, this savings and loan crisis is as bad as it gets.
  9. Eraseable pens. What a world.
  10. Overall I’d say the guys who write TV do a terrific job.
  11. I’m a sucker for a fancy mustard.
  12. What would be most convenient is if you could fax it to me.
  13. This vending machine is all out of nuts.
  14. Sixty-some-odd channels and nothing’s on. What a world.
  15. Hey, I just followed Diane Keaton on this thing. Pretty neat.
  16. I was born in 1952. Ask me anything.
  17. Listen, I’m a capitalist. I know the way the world works. But hot chocolate at a skating rink should not cost five dollars.
  18. They certainly do have everything at Radio Shack!
  19. With a stash like this, it’ll be years before I run out of aerosol deodorant.
  20. Let’s take a look and see what you’re up to, Sally Forth.
  21. I’ll tell you why women don’t get ahead. They’re too morally pure to commit the violence it takes to succeed. Done thinking about this now.
  22. There are important differences between Democrats and Republicans.
  23. Still blows me away, that moon landing.
  24. I go to art museums, but half the time I don’t know what I’m looking at.
  25. My wife left and took only a suitcase. She could have taken some of the African pottery, for all I care.
  26. Hey, I’m getting pretty good at making Chex Mix.
  27. We have a real problem on our hands and it’s called acid rain.
  28. Always have a great time at Sea World.
  29. Just realized I’m drinking from my Eiffel Tower mug while wearing my Eiffel Tower sweatshirt.
  30. Red and black look fantastic together!
  31. No don’t touch that. If you touch it all the little nails will shift around and we’ll lose that perfect impression of my face.
  32. Who in the hell recorded ‘Aliens’ over my VHS tape of Nelson Mandela’s emancipation?!?!
  33. Gary. Motherfucking. Larsen.
  34. Janet, Chrissy, I don’t know, they’re both knockouts.
  35. I try not to go overboard with the cocaine.
  36. Love a framed photo of a skyscraper.
  37. Parts of Manhattan are very dangerous.
  38. Relaxing in the lodge with the ski bunnies.
  39. Sometimes I see an older woman who’s still a total knockout.
  40. Pain in the ass, rewinding all these tapes.
  41. If you need any graph paper, just ask. Got a whole pad.
  42. Bummed about the Challenger.
  43. Two men and a baby, maybe. But three? This I gotta see.
  44. Another night, another love-crazed woman chasing me around the kitchen with a steak knife.
  45. When I step on the big piano keys, they light up.
  46. Let me just tuck my T-shirt into these jeans. There. Perfect.


  1. Get a load of this guy Yahoo Serious.
  2. Graph paper is great for all types of uses.
  3. I can’t think of a single situation where I would not choose to use graph paper, assuming it were available.
  4. Slowing down my treadmill. Raising the incline.
  5. Looking at myself in the mirror. Asking myself if I’ve done everything I can to save the whales.
  6. Love a close-up shot of a total babe putting on lipstick.
  7. Waiting for my secretary to do the paperwork so I can sponsor an African kid.
  8. I believe the sexual act can, and should, be mystical. But hey, I’m a little bit nuts.
  9. Just once I’d like to see a mannequin that DOESN’T come to life.
  10. If I was designing a logo, I’d try to have it be a triangle slicing through a chunk of graph.
  11. I meet a lot of sexy women named Linda.
  12. Tied my tie this a.m. with zero stress and complete accuracy.
  13. Kirk Gibson, ladies and gentlemen.
  14. Rap is a fad. I don’t let it bother me.
  15. I subscribe to all the magazines.
  16. Another Christmas, another office building held hostage by terrorists and it’s up to me to stop them.
  17. Don’t you touch that Newton’s cradle desk toy, you fucking terrorist.


  1. Another busted Slinky. God damn it.
  2. My ex-wife used to tell me I had hot buns.
  3. Who needs a map when the inside of my bomber jacket looks like THIS? (It’s a world map.)
  4. Sometimes I just drop a rose onto a black marble floor.
  5. I think about money in the shower.
  6. It’s not women’s fault, but the fact is Best Actor is just worth a whole lot more than Best Actress.
  7. Swayze. Beatty. Gere. Not one of them can do what Crystal does.

The following tweets were found in Eighties Man’s draft folder.

  1. Let’s get take out.
  2. My bow tie’s undone and she’s leaning against me. Life is good.
  3. Black guys are very cool.
  4. I’ll tell you what’s funny. A guy like me, dressed up as a nun.
  5. Cruising in the convertible, inserting the next cassette of my book on tape.
  6. Sometimes I feel like my ex-wife’s still with me, like I can hear her breathing, right there, listening in on my phone calls.
  7. That thing where women want to take your money.
  8. I can’t resist a gal with a spiky haircut.
  9. Make sure you strap a seatbelt on the blow-up doll if you take her out in the convertible.

More Tweets by Eighties Man can be found here.