A time came when I would rather die than continue online dating. So when I met Janet, and things went well, and she invited me to meet her parents, I knew I had to make a huge effort with them. And also that I would have to survive being hunted by them in the woods.

We drove out to the Appalachian backwoods where I met the Windybanks. Pa was in camouflage gear, and he gave me a firm but welcoming handshake.

‘How you feeling, kid?’ he said.

‘Nervous,’ I said. ‘Nervouscited.’

‘That’s the spirit.’

Janet’s Ma was a former Olympic crossbow competitor and could hit a moving target from a hundred yards in a gale. She hugged me. ‘You’re a good sized buck, aren’t you?’ she whispered.

Janet’s brother, Junior, was a Dungeons & Dragons player, a guy who’s t-shirts had stretched-out neck holes and who liked to sniff the air around your face.

They showed me into their home which had a real hunting cabin vibe; lots of timber and a row of buck heads on one wall, and on the other wall a row of the mounted head’s of Janet’s prior boyfriends.

‘Goodness,’ I said. I hadn’t realised that if you didn’t make it through the woods they would mount you. Although I suppose that was a sign of respect? Their choosing to remember you? In any case, what struck me was that I’d had no idea that Janet had such a rich sexual history.

‘Wow.’ I tore my eyes from the multitude of Janet’s previous lovers. ‘Terrific use of earthy tones in here, Mrs Windybank.’

Pa had Janet point out the heads: Derek, Bill, Mark, and Abe. Janet said Abe was a “player”, which I worried was a fuckboy reference, but then realised it was a reference to his skill and cunning at running naked through a forest while hiding from manhunters.

Baron had a missing eye. Todd’s face was so distorted by fear it was hard to tell if he’d been human. Dazza, had been flayed by hunting dogs which made his taxidermy difficult, and that was why he had a hairy patch on his forehead because that was skin from his ass.

‘You ok?’ said Pa.

I smiled. ‘I’m feeling a little unsure right now.’

‘Hmm,’ said Pa. ‘You’re committed at this stage.’

‘Oh,’ I said noncommittally.

Pa held me down while Junior hogtied me. And I realised in that moment that, yes, I had been afraid of commitment. And that was an unlikable attribute. I’d been a ditherer, a person so afraid of settling that I had settled on nothing.

We had dinner and played charades. I was hampered by my restraints but I think I came across as confident and accommodating. After a slice of pie, the men dragged me outside to the kennels to be smelled by four large hunting dogs. And while being sniffed, I realised that I had known the path to love would involve sacrifice, but I hadn’t realised it might also involve me being stuffed and mounted.

They chained me to a wall in the basement, and late that night Janet snuck down to my cage. ‘How you doing, babe?’ she said.

‘I kinda didn’t realise how many guys you’d dated, Janet.’

‘You’re my person,’ she said, reaching through the bars to touch my face. ‘Thank you for making such an effort with my family. I was scared when you found out about the head mounting you’d be upset.’

‘Well. You might have mentioned it, I guess. But on the other hand I’m glad your family skinned those jagoffs, because I’m into you.’

‘You’re cute,’ she said. ‘And you’re fast and nimble like Dazza was, and he got all the way to the fire trail before daddy knifed him.’

‘Back upstairs, Janet,’ her Pa yelled. ‘Don’t wear the yuppie out.’

‘Coming,’ she yelled.

‘He’s got a big day tomorrow!’

‘I’m coming,’ she screamed. ‘Try and get to the highway,’ she hissed at me. ‘You might be able to flag down a passing car.’

‘Which way is that?’ I hissed.

‘West.’

‘West? Which way west?’

‘Follow the setting sun, and the star of Rigel if at night.’

‘The what?’

She looked sad. ‘If the dogs get to you, start screaming and I’ll get Ma to put you out of your misery. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ I said, quietly. ‘It won’t come to that, will it? I love you,’ I said, jangling in the chains.

‘I better go,’ said Janet, turning.

‘I said, I love you,’ I said.

She looked back at me. ‘I know, it’s just, I’ve been hurt so many times. I mean, I’m so ready for love and I want to give myself but I just…I need to know it’s going to be a long term thing.’

I relaxed back into the chains. ‘I get it,’ I said. ‘I want you to know I’m not like those guys. I love you no matter what happens. Okay?’

‘Okay,’ she said, her eyes filling with velvety tears.

‘But I don’t think I’ll be able to run barefoot in the woods. Could you sneak down my Nikes?’ I said.

Janet bit her lips, tears cascading down. ‘My Pa,’ she said, shaking her head. ‘It probably won’t make a difference anyway,’ she whispered. Then she was gone and I slumped with my head low and my legs tangling in chains.

The night was warm, and though there was little promise in it I noticed a definite affection in a ray of light under the dungeon door, and the sound of a distant banjo made me smile. There was love here, oh yes, there’d been love in this room like the love in any tragedy, a love so tender it had coerced me, timid though I was, into the time of my life most worth living.