1. Giant Squid are Cephalopods
There are more than eight hundred living species of cephalopods [1], a class of tentacled marine mollusks that includes the octopus, nautilus, cuttlefish, and squid families. All are clever and curious, and they’re generally considered the most intelligent invertebrates.
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2. Giant squid are suckers (get it?) for authenticity
As befits such intelligent creatures, giant squid greatly appreciate authenticity and accuracy. They generally prefer hard science fiction, though consistent, well thought out anachronism has been known to tickle their fancy. So something like, say, a steampunk [2] cosplayer sailing an 11:1 scale replica of the Nautilus from 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea on the local duck pond is bound to attract their attention.
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3. Squids have ten arms, not eight
Sorry, I made this list eight items to match their number of arms, but that’s octopodes, not squids. I guess we’ll talk pluralization here. A lot of people think the plural of “octopus” is “octopi,” but that applies a Latin suffix to a Greek root, which just ain’t kosher [3]. Pluralizing squid is easy—it’s just “squid,” or “squids” for multiple species—and a group of them is called a squad [4], as in, “Dear God, there’s a squad of squids swimming swiftly towards our simulated sub! What the Devil is happening?”
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4. If all the giant squid in the world were lined up tentacle to tentacle, it would be really cool
That’s not technically a fact, but it’s undeniably true. No one actually knows how many giant squid there are in the world—estimates range from 4.3 million to over 130 million [5]—but whatever the number, it looks like a hefty chunk of them have taken an interest in your submersible. As you dodge their wildly swinging appendages, note that two of them are longer than the eight regular arms. Those are the true tentacles, over 30 feet long [6], and they’re used for capturing prey—which, in this case, looks like you.
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5. The giant squid’s main predator is the sperm whale, which is right behind you
Not only are sperm whales the largest toothed animal on the planet, they’re also the loudest, emitting sounds of over two hundred decibels for echolocation [7]. According to one controversial theory [8], that’s enough to knock a poor squid unconscious and make a free-floating calamari buffet. Pretty badass, right? That might explain your ruptured eardrums and sudden loss of equilibrium, which are making it extremely hard to dodge arms and tentacles on a slippery 3D-printed deck without falling overboard.
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6. Giant Squid squirt ink when threatened
And admit it, you’d feel threatened, too, if some monstrous leviathan was shouting death at you and racing in with an open, toothy maw. The ink is mostly mucus and melanin [9], a dark, sticky glop that clings to your vintage peacoat, boots, and well, everything and obscures your view of one of the most savage battles in nature. While octopodes punch fish out of spite [10], giant squid rip chunks of meat from sperm whales’ heads as they grapple to death in the lightless abyss—or, you know, an adorable, reed-filled duck pond in a suburban park surrounded by dog walkers and screaming children. Either one.
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7. Giant Squid are fast and bulbous. Got me?
Thinking of swimming for shore while they’re distracted? Better get kraken. Unlike your cosplay jetpack, a squid’s jet propulsion system is a marvel of evolution. Even smaller species can move three times faster than Olympic champion Michael Phelps [11], so once you’re in the water with them, you’re probably toast. Swim hard. If you’re lucky, maybe the wild-eyed captain of the whaling ship that’s just arrived will pick you up, though that may cause problems of its own.
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8. Squid games are just good, clean fun
As your beleaguered craft sinks into a froth of arms and ink, take comfort in the fact that there are no verified instances of giant squid harming humans [12]. Perhaps these playful, intelligent creatures simply enjoy a bit of cosplay of their own. After all, like the fictional Nautilus, your mock-submersible is now accurately submerged—and as these legends of the deep swim away, the largest eyes in the animal kingdom [13] give you one last wink through an enormous pair of brass goggles.
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References
1 https://animaldiversity.org/accounts/Cephalopoda/
2 https://haenfler.sites.grinnell.edu/steampunk/
3 https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/the-many-plurals-of-octopus-octopi-octopuses-octopodes
4 https://reef-world.org/blog/collective-nouns
6 https://ocean.si.edu/ocean-life/invertebrates/giant-squid
7 https://roaring.earth/sperm-whales-can-vibrate-humans-to-death/
8 https://scienceline.org/2008/05/ask-locke-whale/
10 https://www.independent.co.uk/climate-change/news/octopus-facts-punch-fish-b1868462.html
11 https://academic.oup.com/icb/article/48/6/720/836259
12 https://animals.howstuffworks.com/marine-life/squid-attack-submarine1.htm
