To begin making Rice Krispie Treats, you must first have the hubris of God.

Don’t bother to look up a recipe, I’m going to tell you how to do it. See? It’s all in the name: the only thing in Rice Krispie Treats are Krispies and Treats. It is a two-ingredient recipe, and you don’t need a recipe. You’re not stupid! No. And I’m not stupid either. I have a master’s degree. I could probably have a doctorate. Theoretically. If I got one, I would have one. That’s true for you, too. Especially if you already have one.

Following? Good.

Cereal and marshmallows. How hard can this be? It’s not like the myriad of other difficult things that life starts throwing at you once you start being an adult like deductibles, and self-employment taxes, and trying to make enough money to afford fresh vegetables (which you need to live, apparently) in an economy where the wages stopped increasing sometimes in the… 1970s, are you kidding me? And I can’t even get my father-in-law not to be visceral angry that actual, literal children are, in some places, receiving free backpacks, nevermind that none of us have made any money since—

It’s not one of the big questions either, like is any religion real; how long is it going to take for climate change to kill all of us; is climate change going to wipe out Florida entirely in my lifetime; if there’s going to be a climate apocalypse should I really want children—and so on and so forth.

No. It’s just cereal and marshmallows.

I have this under control. I have not spelled marshmallows right a single time, but auto-correct is saving me. We’re going to be fine, you and I. We’re going to make something amazing together.

Ingredients:

• • Mallows (Brand unimportant)
  • Krispies (Brand important)

Preparation:

The first step to making rice krispies is to put marshmallows into a pan. How many marshmallows? Well, like centrists will tell you about all political issues: there is no right answer. Feel what you feel is the correct amount in your heart and put that many in the pan. Just want to do one because you feel some deep seated need to push things, to prove that maybe the issue really is you by ignoring all the roller coaster ups and downs of common sense? Great. Do I want to dump in a whole bag because I know that I’ll otherwise leave a small handful of marshmallows to slowly harden in the back of the cabinet next to that now three-year-old artisan hot chocolate my boss re-gifted me for Christmas that I keep saying I’ll make but never actually will? Great.

While the marshmallows are in the pan, try to ignore the deep-seated feeling that something isn’t quite right. Turn away from things that feel uncomfortable and distract yourself. Look at the Rice Krispie box (I forgot to mention the Rice Krispie box, so if you got this far and you don’t have one out, you’re going to need that). Open the plastic you find inside of the box. Inside are the Krispies. That’s pretty exciting. These will soon go from a mediocre cereal that parents waffle on health-wise to a tasty treat. We have the ability to make good things from mediocre things: you should believe this with all your heart. Otherwise…

Make sure the marshmallows are heating up well. If they’re not, persevere. That’s what most of life is, after all; recipes are a training ground for keeping yourself together while dealing with complex things like numbers and food bloggers. On the one hand, you have a lot of choices. You can choose to make money or you can die; these mallows cost you money. These are minutes of your life heating up in this pan. If you made a mistake, which, since you’re listening to me, I assure you is not possible, then you’ve not only wasted money, you’ve wasted the precious moments of your life you spent earning that money.

Regret is a choice, too.

When the marshmallows get hot enough (I refuse to answer what this looks like, you’ll know when you know) add the cereal. Mix the cereal and the marshmallows. Use whatever you have on hand for this step. A spatula, a fork, a spoon, a spork, your hand—I don’t have any real authority over you, and skin will grow back. My lovely spouse once told me to “stop burning myself,” but I read at some point that heat is something you can build up an immunity to, and I can’t fact check everything on the internet if I want to believe it.

At this point, you’ll have Rice Krispie Treats. Yeah, it’s that easy. And that abrupt. Sometimes, that’s how life is. Sometimes you don’t get to know the last time you’ll ever take a walk with someone, or the last time you’ll both manage to have a peaceful moment of silence without any seething undertones, and sometimes you’ve made Rice Krispie Treats.

I want you to follow this recipe exactly. Whatever you’ve made at the end of the day, for whomever you think needs it, that’s your responsibility. If they love you, they’ll eat what you’ve created. Maybe they won’t. It depends on how much you think honesty matters to a relationship, and I think that what matters is probably the crux of what matters. So you’ll find out something either way.

Notes:

• • For best results, use fresh marshmallows.
  • You can substitute all of the ingredients for different ingredients, but be careful.
  • For a (mostly) sugar-free alternative, use milk instead of marshmallows and don’t heat anything up.
  • If you’re vegan, cool 🙂
  • Make it a date.