"I thus turned my attention to our list of mutual friends, of which there lurked a grand total of one."

You seem conflicted.

*For best results, do not hope for results.

As time went on, my convictions only grew stronger. Sometimes my daughter had thoughts, just like a kid who is a boy.

Student fundraisers lubricate donor purse strings with the perfect mix of guilt and shame, although our ungrateful alums are catching on by blocking our calls. That's why I'm resorting to this letter. Times are tough.

Tolkien mutters to himself as Mickey Mouse prances across the screen, doing American things he doesn’t understand or approve of. “Voice of the devil,” you hear.