CCC Tabloid News—Man shoots another man in the face with a gun, and the other man is reportedly not too pleased about it. He requests that the shooter be punished by taking his gun away, and perhaps hitting him flirtatiously on the top of his head with a rolled up newspaper. “It was pretty painful,” reports the shot man, “but I really don’t feel like it’s too big of a deal. Nothing to get too worked up about, and nothing a few extra jumping jacks in the morning won’t solve. The only reason I’m asking that they take his gun away is that I’m concerned about the children in the neighborhood. They don’t have the immune system us adults do and it’s likely they might get seriously injured when shot. They might even come down with a nasty case of the bird flu like the Phillips boys and end up dropping a lung and needing surgery.” The gun has since been revoked and the man (the shooter) has enacted his 96th Amendment right to be forgotten and will not be named. This story, therefore, will not be published.
Published October 8th 2109
CCC Tabloid News—Man shoots small child in the face with a gun. Child reportedly has come down with the bird flu due to the resulting compromised immune system, and has since dropped a lung and required surgery. One of the Phillips boys, a local veteran of dropped lung surgery (a droplungautomy), has agreed to talk in order to shed some light on the shot child’s situation. “The surgery?” he said. “Yeah, that’s a thing that happened. I don’t know, it was fine. If you’ve ever had a surgery you’re probably pretty aware of all the stuff they put you on to keep you comfortable. They did have a really shitty air conditioner though. It would just keep pumping in cold air even though it was the middle of winter. That kind of sucked, but I don’t know, I wasn’t really too bothered. That really sucks about —NAME REDACTED— though, but as far as the surgery goes, as long as they don’t have a shitty air conditioner then he’s probably fine.”
The shot boy has since died from droplungautomy complications. The shooter has, once again, enacted his 96th Amendment right to be forgotten and will not be named. The boy, subsequently, will have all of his records burned in a big bonfire outside the Kellys’ house in accordance with the amendment. In alignment with sector law the shooter will not be prosecuted, as the young child was unable to properly file a 82nd state procedural to counteract the 96th Amendment right because he was dead.
“It’s a zero-tolerance due date policy,” said the courthouse secretary. “There’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know why you’re still talking to me, buddy.” This article will, again, not be published. Mr. Kelly says you can bring marshmallows, but that the fire might be too big to safely roast them.
Published October 15th 2109
CCC Tabloid News—Man shoots a puppy and a kitten simultaneously in the face. The shooter reportedly used armor piercing rounds to not only penetrate the kitten’s face, but the slipper in which the kitten and the puppy were cuddling in. The puppy, however, escaped alive with only a wicked scar going down his cheek. He has since been re-named “Butch” in accordance with national law. This tragic name change is something we all can relate to, yet it appears that the investigation has been called off.
Chief Richards explained that the police force has used up all of its caloric allowance for that case, and that it would be potentially racist, capitalist, or masochistic to continue searching now. “You see,” Chief Richards said, “they stick these needles the size of chopsticks up the front of your forearm to keep track of the amount of calories you burn. That’s how they make sure you aren’t expending any more or less energy if the guy you’re looking for killed someone that’s the same race as you or something. Our guys are real hard workers, they used up all they could within the first day.” When attempting to find the police officers in charge of the investigation, all that could be found was their caloric counting devices in two vats of burning bacon fat in the back of a run-down McDonald’s. The Chief has since assured me that the vats of bacon fat will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. The shooter has since enacted his 96th Amendment right, not only for himself, but for the vats of bacon fat as well. The shooter and the vats of bacon fat will not be named and this article will not be published.
Published October 21st 2109
CCC Tabloid News—Man shoots self in face. Man dies instantaneously. According to one lone reporter who accidentally investigated this case, the man died alone in his basement. All neighborhood testimonials contained negligible information, and all victim background facts were deemed impertinent to the case. A funeral was held, however, in which the only guests were two vats of bacon fat and a Phillips boy, who sat smoking absently in the corner seat. “I don’t think anyone deserves to be forgotten altogether,” the Phillips boy said to the congregation from the podium. “Maybe some people should be hated for their deeds, to have their sins characterize their legacy, their contributions to the world paling in comparison. But to have someone disappear from the world completely forgotten deprives them of something crucial to their humanity. The good, the bad—all of it affects people whether you’d like it to or not. It’s part of the package deal of life. An action is just the epicenter of a ripple in the pond of existence, a pebble that can create giant waves and do great things. This man’s life ended before he could see the result. That is why I ask you all to track his waves for him, and follow them to their breaking point in his place.”
The man has yet to file for his 96th Amendment right.
