1. What happens when a new friend asks to share locations and a wave of fear so intense it becomes nausea passes over you.
2. When you are living in Korea and a friend asks to see your schedule to make planning trips easier and you panic. No matter how many oceans you cross you cannot outrun the fear.
3. When a coworker offends you and manhandles his way around an apology. His wording is so eerily similar to your ex’s that you cry for two days straight and can’t make it to class. There is no threat, but you are still so afraid. You can’t get your mind and body on the same page.

Experience
[ex-per-i-ence] noun

1. Something you don’t have, at least with women.
2. Something she has an abundance of.
3. Your lack of this makes her all the more convincing.
4. Whatever happens, this is normal for lesbian relationships.
5. Google is no help, you trust her more anyway.
6. She understands you more than any man ever has.

Moon
[moon] noun

1. On walks, she always points it out. Isn’t it beautiful?
2. Names the phases. Waxing, waning.
3. How cute, a girl who cares so much about celestial bodies.
4. That’s got to be a good sign.
5. What psychopath cares so much about the moon?

Company
[com-pa-ny] noun

1. With you, on the lawn reading between classes. The sun filters golden through the trees, grass soft, breeze gentle.
2. At the library to study, helps you plan out your packed schedule.
3. At parties where you don’t know anyone, social butterfly, keeping you afloat.
4. The café when you get coffee alone after class.
5. Outside your friends’ house when you leave it at night.
6. The dining hall the one time you get up early enough for breakfast.
7. There. Outside. Waiting. You never have to be alone. You are never alone.

Consent
[con-sent] noun

1. Not needed between partners.
2. The absence of a no is yes.
3. Implied, assumed, automatic access to someone’s body.
4. The presence of a no is still yes. Your body is no longer yours.

Purple
[pur-ple] noun

1. The color of the sky when you first sit on her longboard and she pulls you around by hand, showing you campus.
2. The color of longing, of the blood in your veins that your heart is pumping, butterflies and all.
3. The color of the marks on her neck after she hooks up with her roommate and wants to show you the physical evidence, knowing you won’t do anything about it.
4. The color you will end up hiding under layers of makeup and clothing. The color of fear.

Tattoo
[tat-too] noun

1. The beautiful, intricate, floral thing on half her right arm.
2. It stops people on the street. You feel cool by proxy.
3. She tells people, yes it hurt, I got it done in the Bay, this is the artist’s Instagram.
4. One day you will catch her peeling it off in the bathroom. The tattoo is from Amazon. It peels off. It presses on.
5. You don’t even leave her when you find out.
6. This will become funny much later. It’s not that funny now.

Stargaze
[star-gaze] verb

1. People are doing this tonight because the sky is so nice.
2. We should do it too, she says.
3. She knows you have a big chemistry exam tomorrow. That you’re failing and need to do well.
4. She’s aware you’re under a lot of pressure, and you wouldn’t be any fun. Still, she says:
5. I really want to, please, please.
6. I knew you’d say no. You’re always fucking like this.
7. You hate me, I know. When you say you love me you don’t ever mean it.

Friends
[friends] noun

1. Old ones don’t know the truth.
2. New ones don’t know you well enough to get involved.
3. The best one is here with you.
4. She wants to get to know her too, joins you every time you hang out.
5. Steals her phone to see your texts and tweets, calls her in the middle of the night.
6. Says, she’s the reason things weren’t working anyway.

Regret
[re-gret] noun

1. There is no way you could have known.
2. You forgive her sooner than you forgive yourself.
3. The darkness, the taste of blood, the sensation like crawling around on broken glass, blindfolded.
4. There is no way you could have known.

Fib
[fib] noun

1. An unimportant lie.
2. Deaf in one ear.
3. Metal in the left leg.
4. Ran the Boston marathon.
5. Got into Brown but rejected it.
6. Liver problems, can’t drink.
7. Breathed in so much smoke from a fire now has lung problems.
8. Living paycheck to paycheck.
9. English major.
10. Has an arranged fiancée waiting in Vietnam.
11. Never been in a hotel.
12. Not a serial dater.
13. Not a pathological liar.

Drown
[drown] verb

1. To watch your own life go by, so far from the surface.
2. Floating, before, the sun on your skin, water on your back.
3. You still get glimpses. You are still sinking.
4. Doesn’t quite feel like anything else.

Anxiety
[anx-i-e-ty] noun

1. This kind is new to you.
2. This is the kind that makes you run out of a class into the bathroom, thought you saw a shadow of something.
3. Why are you crying. Why can’t you breathe.
4. This is it. This is how you die. In the gross, pink-walled bathroom of this lecture hall. You have no idea what is happening. You are so scared.

Unknown
[un-known] adjective

1. Not within the range of your knowledge.
2. Love bombing.
3. Gaslighting.
4. Narcissist.
5. Baiting.
6. Guilt tripping.
7. Trauma bond.
8. Intimate partner sexual violence.
9. Panic attack.
10. Dissociation.

Leverage
[le-ver-age] noun

1. Prevents you from equal footing or achieving a breakup.
2. How dare you feel that, say that, do that.
3. When she’s this depressed, this sacrificing, this supportive.
4. See also: overreaction.

Behead
[be-head] verb

1. To execute by decapitation.
2. Post-breakup, a distant mutual acquaintance pulls out her phone at lunch.
3. Did you guys break up?
4. The head of a stuffed bear hanging crudely to its body by a thread, stuffing spilling out of its little neck.
5. The Rilakkuma bear you gave her.
6. The caption says fuck veronica. Sunglasses emoji. Peace sign emoji.
7. It’s scary. It’s funny. You don’t know what the proper emotional response is.

Perspective
[per-spec-tive] noun

1. Changes everything.
2. You have never told this story and worry you might come off as the villain.
3. It’s possible; no true villains means no true angels.
4. She convinced you so well you believe it yourself.
5. She convinced others, too. The guy your roommate used to date texts you out of nowhere and says I thought you were a good person. He tells you your own story, roles reversed.
6. You don’t remember how to tell fact from fiction anymore.

Rumor
[ru-mor] noun

1. Statement circulated without certainty of fact.
2. Friend of a friend of her roommate.
3. Twin bed, frame, desk for sale.
4. Dropped out. Tried to end her life after all.
5. You feel guilty and relieved, multiple truths held at once.

Adolescence
[ad-ol-es-cence] noun

1. A year before you met her you were going to senior prom.
2. A year before that, learning how to drive.
3. A year before that, sitting at the lunch tables after school.
4. You wish you could have been younger a little longer.