I was wailing then, screaming at her to get off me. And she said it again, “Pain’s not the end. You have to fight.”

I was wailing then, screaming at her to get off me. And she said it again, “Pain’s not the end. You have to fight.”
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Who were we as an adult couple, not just two college kids sleeping on each other’s hand-me-down mattresses?
But it’s ridiculous to keep holding on to the past, holding on to hair that no longer wants to be kept.
I’ve read numerous articles about the murders, searching for some shred of evidence, some hidden rationale for this crime, but the more I read, the faster the details fade, like water smearing ink on a handwritten letter.
“We might be broke, but we’re happy,” Carlos says..."And we’re happy because we enjoy ourselves in the moment. You’re broke and depressed.”
That I might never be anything but alone in my own body. In my own mind. That no one could ever make me feel whole.