I’m a 24-year-old straight male and I’m unattractive, and I’m pregnant, and I’m a big fat liar, so I’m at a loss, Dan, but I’m innocent, and I’m not sure how that works exactly, yet I’m effing scared, and I’m rare, I know, but I exist, and I’m fine with this, because I’m an only child, male, born to a single mom, what’s more, I’m a virgin at 30, which means that I’m a down-to-earth, normal fag like all the rest, on the other hand I’m not, hence I’m a prime example, and I’m an adorable 270 pounds, so I’m going out of my mind, which means that I’m a homo, hence I’m about to give up and become a nun or something, on the other hand, I’m a guy who does not find guys physically attractive, and I’m a feminine, submissive dyke, yet I’m a pretty hairy dude, so I’m not so sure, and I’m a little dominant, but nothing too out there, also I’m a 22-year-old FTM, what’s more, I’m a straight woman who hasn’t had sex in five years, thus I’m in a crisis, just as I’m an animal already — I’m a primate, like you, yet I’m actually kinda reluctant to say this out loud, because I’m a 32 year-old Asian male living in Seattle, just as I’m also as horny as a 17-year-old, and I’m a vegetarian married to a meat eater, in a word, I’m so happy, I could cry, what’s more, I’m artsy, and I’m also a mother, yet I’m uncomfortable not disclosing my HIV status, hence I’m so angry, also I’m a middle-aged guy, more twisted than most, and I’m a large-breasted man, on top of that I’m also a CUDDLE ADDICT, just as I’m the president of NAMBLA, yet I’m a straight, 26-year-old, relatively kinky male, in a word, I’m a balanced bisexual male in a good marriage, which means that I’m an asshole, I suppose, but there it is, on top of that I’m a sadist, and I’m afraid to read the advice you’re going to give me, also I’m sensitive, which means that I’m a 200% straight guy, married with children, and I’m a 26-year-old guy in a polyamorous relationship, yet I’m a gay man in my mid-20s with an etiquette question, because I’m a married man with the usual three-way fantasies, so I’m dumbfounded, and I’m a theater person, yet I’m not sure what you mean by that, so I’m leaving, because I’m the cleanest kid in town, on the other hand I’m a 25-year-old guy with a gender-neutral partner, which means that I’m a straight female with my own boyfriend, so I’m torn, yet I’m a happy, healthy fat chick, and I’m a middle-aged, fat, and happy gay man, on the other hand I’m a slut, too, so I’m a little traumatized, also I’m a submissive gay boy into puppy play, what’s more, I’m an introvert and a private person, which means that I’m a dyke, but I’ll do boys, too, on top of that I’m an actor in New York City, because I’m a porn-positive woman in my 30s, and I’m hurt, just as I’m an early-40s gal living in the Midwest, hence I’m an escort and a pro Domme, on top of that I’m among the growing legions of cuckold fetishists, and I’m a lost little lesbian, which means that I’m a Roman Catholic, hence I’m in a bad place, what’s more, I’m about 5-feet, 6-inches tall and weigh 103 pounds, yet I’m an average guy, not a big stud, so I’m stumped, and I’m a 15-year-old male in need of advice, and I’m going to jail for this, also I’m a gay college student who’s into bondage and kink, so I’m intrigued, just as I’m a 42-year-old gay man with a superhero fetish, yet I’m a zoophile and always have been, what’s more, I’m a gay guy, and I’m a straight guy who has the same desires, in a word, I’m confused, hence I’m a young lesbian with the ability to ejaculate, which means that I’m in shock, and I’m a 22-year-old male with a vaginal fisting fetish, what’s more, I’m a top, and I’m a supporter, in a word, I’m afraid we’re playing with fire, which means that I’m a smoker and my partner is a nonsmoker, yet I’m a student and can’t afford too much of this, because I’m a woman and I masturbate, on the other hand I’m a romantic guy, menstrual cycles don’t bother me, but I’m a freakin’ lesbian, just as I’m not a prude, in a word, I’m an 18-year-old girl in a small town in Tennessee, so I’m really pissed, on the other hand I’m a 37-year-old single father with a 14-year-old son, hence I’m freaking out, yet I’m a well-built body builder/actor, what’s more, I’m a 26-year-old fag with a common problem, but I’m also a grandmother, which means that I’m an ethical encourager, dammit, and I’m a gay dude who has been trying to find an all-natural and organic lube, just as I’m a man who gets off on women hypnotizing men, and I’m an idiot, because I’m ticklish, so I’m disappointed in myself, and I’m a healthy 26-year-old girl and I really like sex, and I’m unhappy about it, on the other hand I’m a 17-year-old breeder chick, and I’m not ugly, but I’m just too damn horny, and I’m a woman who wants to be spanked, yet I’m a hetero guy who wears thong underwear, and I’m not crazy, but I’m inclined to let it be, so I’m trying to be GGG, and I’m a very good-looking gay boi, because I’m a 37-year-old father, yet I’m an American college student, so I’m desperate, also I’m a middle-aged guy, and I’m a female college student and a feminist, on top of that I’m a girl who wants to wake up my guy with a blowjob, hence I’m a 53-year-old woman, and I’m sorry, but I’m a youth who identifies as asexual, on the other hand, I’m a twentysomething professional snowboarder, and I’m troubled, Dan, and I’m physically aching at memories of fucking my ex, and I’m serious, and I’m falling apart.

Corpus: All Savage Love sex advice columns by Dan Savage from; retrieved June 2015; approx. 1 million tokens at 34,000 types.

Process: Sentences beginning with “I am” or “I’m” were concatenated with conjunctions such as “but,” “yet,” “on the other hand,” etc.

Originally published by Readux Books, 2015.

Letter to Self

When Asked to Defend Your Position
On Why You Are Non-Binary
Trans Issue 2015

In Answer to Your Repeated Queries

“Oh, please stop worrying about me! I worry about you worrying about me, and that makes it into an infinity mirror.”

Dear Crazy

“Dear Crazy, I’m terrified of people seeing you and I together and running far, far away from the both of us.”