I’m a 24-year-old straight male and I’m unattractive, and I’m pregnant, and I’m a big fat liar, so I’m at a loss, Dan, but I’m innocent, and I’m not sure how that works exactly, yet I’m effing scared, and I’m rare, I know, but I exist, and I’m fine with this, because I’m an only child, male, born to a single mom, what’s more, I’m a virgin at 30, which means that I’m a down-to-earth, normal fag like all the rest, on the other hand I’m not, hence I’m a prime example, and I’m an adorable 270 pounds, so I’m going out of my mind, which means that I’m a homo, hence I’m about to give up and become a nun or something, on the other hand, I’m a guy who does not find guys physically attractive, and I’m a feminine, submissive dyke, yet I’m a pretty hairy dude, so I’m not so sure, and I’m a little dominant, but nothing too out there, also I’m a 22-year-old FTM, what’s more, I’m a straight woman who hasn’t had sex in five years, thus I’m in a crisis, just as I’m an animal already — I’m a primate, like you, yet I’m actually kinda reluctant to say this out loud, because I’m a 32 year-old Asian male living in Seattle, just as I’m also as horny as a 17-year-old, and I’m a vegetarian married to a meat eater, in a word, I’m so happy, I could cry, what’s more, I’m artsy, and I’m also a mother, yet I’m uncomfortable not disclosing my HIV status, hence I’m so angry, also I’m a middle-aged guy, more twisted than most, and I’m a large-breasted man, on top of that I’m also a CUDDLE ADDICT, just as I’m the president of NAMBLA, yet I’m a straight, 26-year-old, relatively kinky male, in a word, I’m a balanced bisexual male in a good marriage, which means that I’m an asshole, I suppose, but there it is, on top of that I’m a sadist, and I’m afraid to read the advice you’re going to give me, also I’m sensitive, which means that I’m a 200% straight guy, married with children, and I’m a 26-year-old guy in a polyamorous relationship, yet I’m a gay man in my mid-20s with an etiquette question, because I’m a married man with the usual three-way fantasies, so I’m dumbfounded, and I’m a theater person, yet I’m not sure what you mean by that, so I’m leaving, because I’m the cleanest kid in town, on the other hand I’m a 25-year-old guy with a gender-neutral partner, which means that I’m a straight female with my own boyfriend, so I’m torn, yet I’m a happy, healthy fat chick, and I’m a middle-aged, fat, and happy gay man, on the other hand I’m a slut, too, so I’m a little traumatized, also I’m a submissive gay boy into puppy play, what’s more, I’m an introvert and a private person, which means that I’m a dyke, but I’ll do boys, too, on top of that I’m an actor in New York City, because I’m a porn-positive woman in my 30s, and I’m hurt, just as I’m an early-40s gal living in the Midwest, hence I’m an escort and a pro Domme, on top of that I’m among the growing legions of cuckold fetishists, and I’m a lost little lesbian, which means that I’m a Roman Catholic, hence I’m in a bad place, what’s more, I’m about 5-feet, 6-inches tall and weigh 103 pounds, yet I’m an average guy, not a big stud, so I’m stumped, and I’m a 15-year-old male in need of advice, and I’m going to jail for this, also I’m a gay college student who’s into bondage and kink, so I’m intrigued, just as I’m a 42-year-old gay man with a superhero fetish, yet I’m a zoophile and always have been, what’s more, I’m a gay guy, and I’m a straight guy who has the same desires, in a word, I’m confused, hence I’m a young lesbian with the ability to ejaculate, which means that I’m in shock, and I’m a 22-year-old male with a vaginal fisting fetish, what’s more, I’m a top, and I’m a supporter, in a word, I’m afraid we’re playing with fire, which means that I’m a smoker and my partner is a nonsmoker, yet I’m a student and can’t afford too much of this, because I’m a woman and I masturbate, on the other hand I’m a romantic guy, menstrual cycles don’t bother me, but I’m a freakin’ lesbian, just as I’m not a prude, in a word, I’m an 18-year-old girl in a small town in Tennessee, so I’m really pissed, on the other hand I’m a 37-year-old single father with a 14-year-old son, hence I’m freaking out, yet I’m a well-built body builder/actor, what’s more, I’m a 26-year-old fag with a common problem, but I’m also a grandmother, which means that I’m an ethical encourager, dammit, and I’m a gay dude who has been trying to find an all-natural and organic lube, just as I’m a man who gets off on women hypnotizing men, and I’m an idiot, because I’m ticklish, so I’m disappointed in myself, and I’m a healthy 26-year-old girl and I really like sex, and I’m unhappy about it, on the other hand I’m a 17-year-old breeder chick, and I’m not ugly, but I’m just too damn horny, and I’m a woman who wants to be spanked, yet I’m a hetero guy who wears thong underwear, and I’m not crazy, but I’m inclined to let it be, so I’m trying to be GGG, and I’m a very good-looking gay boi, because I’m a 37-year-old father, yet I’m an American college student, so I’m desperate, also I’m a middle-aged guy, and I’m a female college student and a feminist, on top of that I’m a girl who wants to wake up my guy with a blowjob, hence I’m a 53-year-old woman, and I’m sorry, but I’m a youth who identifies as asexual, on the other hand, I’m a twentysomething professional snowboarder, and I’m troubled, Dan, and I’m physically aching at memories of fucking my ex, and I’m serious, and I’m falling apart.

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Corpus: All Savage Love sex advice columns by Dan Savage from thestranger.com/columns/savage-love; retrieved June 2015; approx. 1 million tokens at 34,000 types.

Process: Sentences beginning with “I am” or “I’m” were concatenated with conjunctions such as “but,” “yet,” “on the other hand,” etc.

Originally published by Readux Books, 2015.